A few words about Mourning

I'm grieving the loss of my mother right now and believe me it is a full time job. The emotion hits as a tsunami and I feel like I can't breathe. Then a memory pops up and I'm laughing, then I'm crying, then I'm running. Wow, this is really the ultimate all inclusive ticket in life. Losing someone is so difficult, but for me losing my mother is kind of an out of body experience. I intuitively knew she was going, and I knew she was ready to be free from what her life had become. When I dropped her off from having breakfast the other day and she turned to wave goodbye, I instinctively knew it would be the last time. Oh, I saw her the next day but something was different. She hugged me a little longer when I left. We talked over the next few days and she told me she didn't feel right. I listened and told her I would come over and she said "Oh Honey, just wait and come on Friday", believing this would pass. She never wanted to be any trouble and when she didn't answer her phone on Thursday I knew in my heart she was gone. How do we know those things? I never go see her after a work day, but that day I knew I had to get to her. My little mother. She recently bought her tickets for the concert season this winter. Ready to go on to the next phase of her life's journey, but figuring if she might just be sticking around she would enjoy herself.

As I embark on this part of my life without my mother I am filled with wondering about how it will be to be the older generation. My grandchildren have always had a great grandmother. I was insulated from being the oldest one in the family. Do I know how to do this? She always had the answer or an ear or a piece of loving advice. I am wondering if I know how to do that. My mother had confidence in me and always knew I would handle any situation with grace and dignity. What is it that has me wondering if I am capable of moving through this without her? Personally I think it is just the steamroller of loss that is smashing through me right now. It is just the feeling of being gutted like the fish on tonight's menu. This will pass.

So, I am surrendering. I am being gentle with myself. I have reached my maximum capacity. I am exhausted and brittle and haven't slept or eaten in substantial amounts since finding her tucked into her bed last Thursday. Fortunately for me, no one is asking any questions right now. But when they do, I will have the answers. Or I will have an ear, or free advice. I know I will surface and I will be wiser and richer for the experience. The message for today is I am surrendering to this tsunami of emotion. I will stop fighting it and let it wash over me and take me out to the sea of the unknown. Today, I love my body more than the grief which is swallowing me whole.
XO,
Karen