A few words about trusting what is...

Do you ever spend any time wondering what your life would have been like "if only" something was different? Like if someone would have crossed your path at an earlier time in your life, if only you would have moved out of a bad job or relationship earlier, if only you would have admitted a mistake sooner instead of the drama involved around trying not to hurt some one's feelings, or the ultimate craziness of saving yourself from the ridiculous embarrassment of being human. When I look back at my life I realize that I have compromised myself and my own desires many times for the happiness of another. No wonder I always felt like I was running on just the fumes instead of the fuel of my life. I continually put the needs of another before my own. I don't look back with regret, but I do on rare occasions wonder what my life would look like now had things been different. I'm not sure exactly what purpose that serves for me. I think we have times in our lives when we are vulnerable, after a life altering event happens, or someone crosses our path and we are challenged to reassess our own lives. Perhaps those questions serve as the rudder to steer us on the path that lies before us with a little more clarity about where we are headed. Or perhaps they are just questions...

My mother has been gone for almost a year. I knew it would happen. Time would pass and she would be gone and I would have all of this free space and no responsibility. But on the other hand, this has been a benchmark year for me. Sure, one filled with sadness, but I realize it has been more a year of tremendous growth and discovery. I was able to leave my life for month and journey alone to Costa Rica. It was the first time in my nearly 57 years that I did something by myself that was just for me. It wasn't selfish, it was necessary. As I was standing in the rain forest with bats flying around my head, I was thinking "I'm kind of a little black dress girl" but discovered I was really brave. I had no idea what I was getting into, but I did it anyway, trusting that everything would turn out exactly as it was supposed to. When I slowed to let an iguana slither across the path in front of me, I realized that life is different and I am different. The monkeys dancing on the roof of my Spanish classroom was just a bonus. I took long walks on the beach and realized that the only way to check back into my life was to check out of it for a while. Perhaps I have changed my mind a bit about just who I am. And I think I like myself a little bit more...

So now, I'm all checked in and sit in eager anticipation of what comes next. I know I am grateful. That one is easy. I live a life of gratitude every day. And now it is time to think about me and what I desire. Only me, and nobody else but me. I moved back to Denver to be closer to my family, with my mother being my primary focus for the last few years. Things didn't pan out the way I thought they would in other family areas and I realize that letting go of the idea that it could have been different, if only, is the only way to move forward. Letting go of the life I planned to make room for the life that is waiting for me is a leap of faith. I have to trust in the now, in what is, exactly as it is and leap into the next chapter of my life.

So, I'm now leaping and the page is blank. It is unwritten, and it is mine to create. Jump and the net will appear. Zen schmen. Yikes! Life is exciting, full of wonder, a little scary and sometimes I feel like I'm just flying by the seat of my pants. An occasional glance over my shoulder makes me wonder that if I'm glancing backward, I might possibly slip and miss my future, so concentrating on allowing the future to open to me seems more reasonable. I think all of this personal drama comes down to trusting myself to know exactly what is the best thing for me. It is the struggle between what I don't know and what I have known and that is the most delicious dilemma. I challenge myself every day to live bigger. I look toward my higher, inner self, the one that knows all the answers, the little voice that grabs me by the ears and whispers "What's the big deal? You have everything you will ever need already." It is in those remarkable moments of utter clarity that I realize how much drama I have created by not putting myself first. Being a self proclaimed low drama person this is only a bit contradictory...

What it boils down to is that learning to trust myself is an ongoing journey. I am learning to know what is best for me, but I still have questions. All things being equal, leaping should be easy, and fun and an adventure, however, I have the annoying habit of taking the wind out of my own sails by overthinking something that should be easy. If I am so lucky to be alive in another year, I desire to be holding space and feeling unconditional excitement for what lies before me. An annoying habit is breakable. It is just a habit after all. Sure, I'm doing my homework because that is just how I am, but the message for today is I love my body more than the doubts that creep into my head. I will trust in what is, exactly as it appears before me. Martin Luther King said you don't have to see the whole staircase to find the next step...or something like that. So I'm sharpening my pencil, turning the next page, and preparing to be my own scribe as I move forward into the space that is waiting just for me. I can hardly wait but for today, I will just trust that I am exactly where I need to be.

And, I trust you will have a fabulous day...

XO,
Karen