A few words about baggage...

I am finding as I am moving through this reorganization of my life, baggage that I thought was carefully and thoughtfully stowed is popping up again. Kind of like the scene in Poltergeist when bodies start popping up through the ground. At least I think it was Poltergeist...

Anyway, the thought is that as much emotional work as you do, as much as you employ a new set of coping tools, the baggage is never completely gone. You just learn to deal with it. There have been circumstances in my life lately that have sent me unpacking again. Right there with my gorgeous, beautiful luggage. I have drug it out from the storage unit and opened it up to look at the contents. The act of actually doing this is unconscious, and that is what is the most interesting thing. As a healthy, well adjusted adult, I know this is not a great neighborhood to be wandering alone. As a wounded woman who is grieving the loss of her mother, and is incredibly vulnerable right now, it is what I would consider to be impossible not to go right back to that place of childhood wounds that complicate my grief. Interesting.

If you have a child with special needs, aren't those special needs going to be part of his life forever? Won't, when the most stressful situation presents itself at some point in his adult life, those special needs come back to visit? Even though the child who has walked through this, learned new coping skills and by all rights "moved on" wouldn't you expect that under duress it would be natural to revert back to old habits and thought patterns? Would you condemn that grown child for reverting back to an old thought pattern or behavior? I believe that stress produces the best and the worst in people. I also believe that my baggage has come back to visit, but it isn't going to stay. It will leave again, and I will be stronger for the visit.

I also believe that death and the ensuing grief really separates the wheat from the chaff. There are those that will fearlessly stand with you, not judging your actions or declaring your emotions irrational. There are those that send a message via Facebook, or a text message quickly pecked out on the cell phone. Then there are those that completely avoid you for fear you will start crying or something else that makes them uncomfortable. There is no judgment on my part, just an interest that everyone deals with death in their own way. There are those that you thought were friends that you realize just can't handle great big emotion. Those all move into the acquaintance category. And there are those that completely blow you away with how they step up and somehow when the dust clears from another emotional storm, they are still standing right beside you. Unwavering. Wow. And there are the times when you realize you are completely alone. And that is OK, too.

I have learned through this process that I don't take anything personally because each person stands in grief in his own shoes. Each has a level of comfort that belongs only to him. I have also come to the conclusion that even though someone says they would do anything for you, when push comes to shove, they go diving for cover and it is every man for himself. Some things are just too big and vast and incomprehensible for someone else to understand. And that is just the way life is. And I'm completely good with that. You have to stand for yourself first.

My baggage is mine, and it is what makes me, me. In all my perfect or imperfect perfection. It is mine, and the understanding of why, or how it became, or how long until it will be released is mine to determine. So, the message for today is that I love my body more than those that stand in judgment of my behavior, thoughts, or my precious, beautiful baggage that has accompanied me on my life journey. It will go back into storage, a little lighter for the inspection, when I'm ready.

XO,
Karen