A few words about trusting what is...

Do you ever spend any time wondering what your life would have been like "if only" something was different? Like if someone would have crossed your path at an earlier time in your life, if only you would have moved out of a bad job or relationship earlier, if only you would have admitted a mistake sooner instead of the drama involved around trying not to hurt some one's feelings, or the ultimate craziness of saving yourself from the ridiculous embarrassment of being human. When I look back at my life I realize that I have compromised myself and my own desires many times for the happiness of another. No wonder I always felt like I was running on just the fumes instead of the fuel of my life. I continually put the needs of another before my own. I don't look back with regret, but I do on rare occasions wonder what my life would look like now had things been different. I'm not sure exactly what purpose that serves for me. I think we have times in our lives when we are vulnerable, after a life altering event happens, or someone crosses our path and we are challenged to reassess our own lives. Perhaps those questions serve as the rudder to steer us on the path that lies before us with a little more clarity about where we are headed. Or perhaps they are just questions...

My mother has been gone for almost a year. I knew it would happen. Time would pass and she would be gone and I would have all of this free space and no responsibility. But on the other hand, this has been a benchmark year for me. Sure, one filled with sadness, but I realize it has been more a year of tremendous growth and discovery. I was able to leave my life for month and journey alone to Costa Rica. It was the first time in my nearly 57 years that I did something by myself that was just for me. It wasn't selfish, it was necessary. As I was standing in the rain forest with bats flying around my head, I was thinking "I'm kind of a little black dress girl" but discovered I was really brave. I had no idea what I was getting into, but I did it anyway, trusting that everything would turn out exactly as it was supposed to. When I slowed to let an iguana slither across the path in front of me, I realized that life is different and I am different. The monkeys dancing on the roof of my Spanish classroom was just a bonus. I took long walks on the beach and realized that the only way to check back into my life was to check out of it for a while. Perhaps I have changed my mind a bit about just who I am. And I think I like myself a little bit more...

So now, I'm all checked in and sit in eager anticipation of what comes next. I know I am grateful. That one is easy. I live a life of gratitude every day. And now it is time to think about me and what I desire. Only me, and nobody else but me. I moved back to Denver to be closer to my family, with my mother being my primary focus for the last few years. Things didn't pan out the way I thought they would in other family areas and I realize that letting go of the idea that it could have been different, if only, is the only way to move forward. Letting go of the life I planned to make room for the life that is waiting for me is a leap of faith. I have to trust in the now, in what is, exactly as it is and leap into the next chapter of my life.

So, I'm now leaping and the page is blank. It is unwritten, and it is mine to create. Jump and the net will appear. Zen schmen. Yikes! Life is exciting, full of wonder, a little scary and sometimes I feel like I'm just flying by the seat of my pants. An occasional glance over my shoulder makes me wonder that if I'm glancing backward, I might possibly slip and miss my future, so concentrating on allowing the future to open to me seems more reasonable. I think all of this personal drama comes down to trusting myself to know exactly what is the best thing for me. It is the struggle between what I don't know and what I have known and that is the most delicious dilemma. I challenge myself every day to live bigger. I look toward my higher, inner self, the one that knows all the answers, the little voice that grabs me by the ears and whispers "What's the big deal? You have everything you will ever need already." It is in those remarkable moments of utter clarity that I realize how much drama I have created by not putting myself first. Being a self proclaimed low drama person this is only a bit contradictory...

What it boils down to is that learning to trust myself is an ongoing journey. I am learning to know what is best for me, but I still have questions. All things being equal, leaping should be easy, and fun and an adventure, however, I have the annoying habit of taking the wind out of my own sails by overthinking something that should be easy. If I am so lucky to be alive in another year, I desire to be holding space and feeling unconditional excitement for what lies before me. An annoying habit is breakable. It is just a habit after all. Sure, I'm doing my homework because that is just how I am, but the message for today is I love my body more than the doubts that creep into my head. I will trust in what is, exactly as it appears before me. Martin Luther King said you don't have to see the whole staircase to find the next step...or something like that. So I'm sharpening my pencil, turning the next page, and preparing to be my own scribe as I move forward into the space that is waiting just for me. I can hardly wait but for today, I will just trust that I am exactly where I need to be.

And, I trust you will have a fabulous day...

XO,
Karen

A few words about me....

So, after a long spell of not dating, I've signed up once again to search for love. I've posted my pictures, explained what I'm looking for in a potential mate and have been fielding many possible candidates for the love of my life, my Soulmate. Soulmate...what an awesome responsibility. Sure everyone wants someone that mirrors their best qualities and forgives their less than perfect imperfections. But a soulmate? Really? That is a little much to ask for.

I was asked in an email to "tell me a little more about yourself" and realized there just might be a few things you don't know about me...

I love reruns of Frasier.
I love a ripe mango.
I get up really early in the morning. I mean really early. 4:30 or 5:00 in the morning early.
I am fierce, kind, witty, smart, creative and I know where I stand in my life.
I stopped watching the news a couple of years ago because of the negative effect it could have on me in the long run and I don't think I have missed anything that would have made a difference in the way I live my life.
I enjoy my time alone but sometimes get a little lonely.
I have a delicious dark side that comes out when necessary.
I have had more than one inappropriate drop of the f-bomb.
I have been with many people at the moment of their death because of my Hospice and Oncology background. It is an awesome and profoundly life altering experience.
I have learned more about living from people who are dying than any book or other experience could have ever taught me.
I am a wonderful, true and loyal friend but I have lousy "friendship" skills.
I delivered an awesome eulogy at my mother's memorial service with my voice cracking only once. She would have been proud and humbled at the depth of my love and the immensity of my grief.
I am a deep thinker and I consider the big picture before I react...OK this has come with experience and growing older. And speaking of growing older...
I looked in the mirror the other day and said out loud "you are going to be 57 years old on your next birthday" and wondered where the time went.
I like to wear a little black dress just because.
I wake up every morning with profound gratitude for just being me. I wouldn't change a thing.
Sometimes I go out to the pool without sunscreen...never without sunscreen on my face but sometimes without sunscreen hitting the other parts of my body.
I wear bikinis proudly, not because I have a great body but because every inch of me I have earned and I'm not ashamed.
I view the spider veins on my legs as the roadmap of my life, how they began when I was pregnant, and as I have grown older they have grown with me. And I love each one of them and what part of me they represent.
I am deep down happy with myself.
I have a daughter that hasn't spoken to me for several years for reasons unknown to me and it has taken me years to come to the conclusion that perhaps it was my cosmic responsibility to just get her on the earth and her path is her own and doesn't include me.
My son loves me unconditionally and he is tall and handsome and looks like me.
My granddaughter thinks she has the coolest Nana on the planet. She told me so.
Sometimes when I'm looking a word up in the dictionary I sing the alphabet song in my head...or outloud.
I don't run my dishwasher until it is full. Same goes with the washing machine.
I am morally responsible.
I consider my own needs first, not from a narcissistic point of view but from a place of understanding that if my own cup isn't full first I have nothing to freely give.
I have been in therapy off an on for years and through the loss of my mother I was divinely led to a therapist that has changed my life and finally helped me put my demons to rest.
I believe in the power of the Universe and what you put attention on grows.
I believe in positive thinking and the laws of attraction.
I am a little wacky sometimes, I love all kinds of music and I dance in the shower.
I like to watch Sunday Morning.
If a clerk gives me too much change I always give it back. In my book, keeping it would be like stealing.
There is nothing better than a good cup of coffee. OK, maybe lots of things but at 5AM I can't think of much else that would be as good.
My brother is my best friend.
My guilty pleasure (one of several) is a Chips A'Hoy cookie and I buy a bag and keep them in my glovebox for cookie emergencies.
I have a wickedly awesome sense of humor and can find something funny in nearly every situation.
I am kind and loving.
I have an entire tribe of fabulous women in my life that assure me I am never alone.
I just returned from a month in Costa Rica and I was scared to death to get on the plane, however once I did I didn't look back.
I really enjoy pedicures and massages.
I am fiscally responsible.
I wonder what it is that leads women to desperate decisions and settling for less than they want or deserve. Probably why I'm still single after all these years.
I can be a real hard ass when necessary.
For the most part I mind my own business and am slow to judge others.

So as the journey of my life continues, so does my learning. More about me, more about others and mostly more about life in the great scheme of things. I've learned to understand why my priorities are my priorities. I don't wonder anymore "why did I react that way?" I usually know.

In the end, the only opinion that really matters is the opinion I have of myself. I don't have to understand everything to accept it, and I don't have to accept everything I understand. Sometimes it just is what it is. And that is enough. So the lesson for today is that I love my body more than unanswered questions. I am the authority on me and I know where all the pieces fit. I no longer fall apart, I fall together.

Have a day filled with self love and adoration just because you have the privilege of being you. I leave you with a question...what is it that others don't know about you?
XO,
Karen

A few words about Doors that Open and Close...

When I bought my condo a few years ago, I remember entering it for the very first time as an owner and immediately taking down the mirrored closet doors. I had lived for the last few years with mirrors on every closet door in my apartment and one evening when I was particularly tired, additionally without my glasses on, I was walking toward the closet door and had difficulty recognizing the woman coming toward me...she looked like me but she was tired, she looked old in her pajamas, and generally didn't look very happy. It was shortly after that encounter I decided that when I bought a place of my own, there would be no mirrors on the closet doors. So prior to moving my things into my new home, and with the closet doors gone, I installed a magnificent closet organizer with double hanging space, drawers, shelves...I tell you it is fabulous and affords as much space as a girl could want. Well, nearly. Anyway, my beautifully organized closet is filled with beautiful things, organized by color and sleeve length. My sweaters are neatly stored in perfectly aligned stacks, shoes are placed in little cubbies and clear boxes, purses stacked to the side. So for three years I have looked at the inside of my beautiful closet, and have thought "I need to get doors on that thing someday" but not getting it done. Until today. I hired a contractor who came in this morning and installed closet doors. Now I have this expansive space of white sliders where there used to be colors and textures. Now, it is white. Blank. No color or organization showing. I have closed the door on my creativly organized colorful closet. Does that mean it is finished? I think not. There have been doors that I thought were forever closed in my life that have opened again. There are slivers of light coming through doors that are barely cracked. And there are those that I really don't see any hope of opening again and while it isn't my desire for them to remain closed, I no longer wonder if perhaps they might again be opened. That is the only way I can come to agreement with the reality of what is and move forward.

How often have we closed doors, metaphorically speaking, without really thinking about the consequence? Did I close a door because of an argument or misunderstanding, a mistake I was afraid to admit or some other expectation which wasn't met? And what would happen if that door would have been allowed to swing whichever way it wanted? Would it open again? And the consequence of course being that I will never know the answer to those questions.

I know that I met with someone I've known in the past with whom I have amazing chemistry but meeting again now is ill timed. Oh, it was refreshing to know the chemistry is still there, but life circumstances are not conducive to opening that door right now because we are in such different spaces in our lives. Perhaps it will change in the future but for me this door has to stay closed right now. What if that door would have been opened before? I don't know and it isn't mine to say. The Universe had other plans...

So perhaps opening or closing a door has everything to do with timing. Perhaps it was time to close my closet and open up the blank space before me. Perhaps the doors will swing as they might, or I'll leave them opened to catch a glance at the colors behind them. Maybe I just throw them open, as well as my heart and see what happens. Who knows? So the message for today is I love my body more than closed doors...I refuse to keep my life locked behind a door that should be open wide.

XO,
Karen

A few words about microscopes....

Last night I met a couple of friends at a place where they teach you how to paint a picture with 25 of your new best friends that are also painting the same picture. I have to say, I have plenty of artistic talent, but painting a picture that I would hang on my wall was a little challenging. They serve wine, turn up the music, shout the directions and which brush to use, and in the end you are supposed to have painted a picture similar to the one they are teaching you to paint. Mine looked like total chaos, but after it dried and I stepped back a few feet and looked from a distance, I was surprised at the way it looked. It didn't look like any of the others and sort of resembled the painting we were being instructed to paint. But it looked okay. In fact, it looked good.

So, it got me to thinking about microscopes and the purpose they serve in the living of a life. Looking at things so closely doesn't allow you to look at the big picture. I have put my life under a microscope, found fault with things in the past that now I have put in a different and healthier space in my head. Is the microscope necessary for examining my life? Is it necessary to get an up close look at events that might not have turned out the way I expected? Probably not anymore. But it did allow me to move through that space of self criticism and self denigration for things that have happened along my path of life. And now that I am older and wiser I am able to objectively stand back and look at the life I have lived and the decisions I have made. I am in a place of peace and live my life relatively drama free. And that is good. Each experience, like each brush stroke, has lead me to the next, and at this point in my life, I am pleased with the canvas I have created. I no longer feel the need to put everything under a microscope and tease it all apart. I have more than a PhD in me. I have learned that the colors of my life make the portrait and that portrait is indeed wall worthy. In a golden frame. So the message for today is that I love my body more than the microscope that served a purpose for me. Instead I choose to stand back and lovingly look at the beauty of the creation that is my life.

XO,
Karen

A few words about tangibles....

I've been going through this phase lately of desiring to release my tangible things that are taking up the space I want to fill with intangibles. What is my resistance? Is it that I have worked hard to accumulate a comfortable life and I feel it is a tangible sign of success? Perhaps. Is it fear? Just what is it that makes me feel like I have to hang on to things? Do we really measure the success of a person by the possessions she owns?

I have beautiful things, at least I think so. A gorgeous butterscotch leather sofa that I've had for 15 years and cannot see another living room that I might inhabit without it gracing some space; a gorgeous oriental rug that looks so fabulous, a closet full of beautiful clothes that I hardly ever wear and so many other things that I hold on to because I think I need them. But do I really? I think the lesson itching to be learned is that tangibles only serve to carry me so far. It is the intangible, like the look on my granddaughter's face when she laughs, I mean really laughs...the kind where she can hardly breathe and her face is contorted in such ridiculous happiness and the immense love that I feel for her fills my heart to capacity where I think it will just flat out burst. Wow, it feels good. You just can't buy that. I loved to see the joy in my mother's eyes when I would surprise her by stopping by without calling, or the feeling of the warmth of the sun on my face, or the cool water that surrounds me when I slip into the pool on a hot summer day. Could I really buy those feelings? Could I hold any of them in my hands?

So I am practicing releasing. Clothing, gold charger plates that I no longer use, a pair of earrings that a friend loves but I have refused to give her because I wanted to keep them for myself. I never really thought I was a stingy person, but she really loves those earrings and I just pulled them out of a box that I found in my closet and thought they were cute so I wore them. But she really loves them. It is true that the gift, I believe if you're really paying attention, is in the giving away. The greater gift is giving away something you have loved at one time or another.

I live an abundant life but I'm learning where the true abundance that I desire lies and it isn't in the things that I own. I'm learning to let go of things I love, or always thought I loved because the feeling of freely floating them off to new homes is a much deeper and more rewarding feeling. Besides, my life is changing and I'm not sure everything will fit in the suitcase for my next big adventure.

So, the message for today is that I love my body more than the tangibles that surround me. They are just things and I would rather downsize my tangible life to open the cracks for the intangibles to burst through. That is where the true nuggets of the happiest life lie. So my friend, my black dress that I loaned to you, you know the one that you really love, if you're reading this I joyfully release the dress to you...

XO,
Karen

A few words about Pigeon Holes

I was speaking with a coworker the other day who was telling me of his frustration about working full time in one area while he is working on post graduate work in Health Care Administration. His frustration was centered around not being valued for what he was learning, but for what he was currently doing. When I told him to reframe that thought into how rich with experience he was becoming being on the other side of administration and what and incredible leader he will be, he walked away standing a little taller. It is all in how you look at it and his situation opened the door for some contemplation, and how important for people who are contributing to the decisions in our lives to place you in the appropriate box.

It is my thought that we place ourselves in our own pigeon holes therefore placing self imposed limitations. For me, I'm single. I've been divorced but each time I see that box on some form I'm filling out it generates negative feelings. What difference does it make? Is my doctor going to treat me differently? Am I being judged by the box I check? Single, married, divorced, widowed. Single? I just haven't met the right person. Could mean you're living with someone but technically you're single. Married? Have been before so really you're divorced then remarried. Divorced? Made a bad decision, things just didn't work out, and a host of other things. And widowed? A different journey. Each box holds a different feeling. Maybe they should add a few boxes, like "Single but dating," "Happily Married" because after all, if you are happily married you must be more stable than "Single but dating" don't you agree? But in who's eyes?

It is my opinion that we put ourselves in our own pigeon holes in life thereby labeling ourselves. Or perhaps are we making excuses for not living our lives full out? If you can place yourself in a box then you don't have to live outside of one. In my mind, you're single or you're married. Everything else is the life experience in between. When I was first divorced, I clung to that identity for a while until I became single again. Single feels nicer to me. Free, independent, non-attached.

I've checked boxes before believing that somehow they were keeping statistics, or it was something that I needed to do to comply with the rules. Now, I make my own. I check the single box because that is what I am. Divorce was a long time ago and it doesn't really matter anymore.

So pigeon holes no longer define me. They only serve to put me in a category that defines me for someone else. So, the message for today is that I love my body more than being placed in a pigeon hole. I choose to find my own definition. Perhaps I'll choose to add a box to the standard forms; single but having a great time in my life. Yes, I like that one!

XO,
Karen

A few words about Injuries...

The other day I was working and strained my back just a little. Not a lot, but it was noticeable. I wasn't scheduled to work for a few days and being proactive in my health, I did a little yoga to stretch my muscles. The next morning I got out of bed, or tried to, and was nearly immobilized by the muscles that had been strained. I was bent over; each time I attempted to stand straight I was gripped by a spasm. I managed to get on to the floor and gently stretch to get movement back into my body but while I was down there I took the opportunity to do a little self reflection. I've always been healthy, and for that I am on my knees (or flat on my back on that day) in gratitude. No major issues other than seasonal allergies and now I was being sidelined by a yoga injury. How lame is that? I managed to get up and standing nearly straight, I got out my Ben Gay (the fact that I actually had it in my medicine cabinet is scary) and smeared it on my back and it was pretty soothing. Then I realized, not only was I bent over, I smelled like a bag of old granddaddies. Yikes.

So, if I practice what I preach and live a life of abundant gratitude, I am grateful for so many things. OK, so not so much for the yoga injury, but grateful that it wasn't caused by reaching for the remote. I live a pretty active life in which exercise is an important part. The older I am the more important it becomes. I hear people my age referring to themselves as being old and I want to shake them and tell them these are the best years of our lives. I am not old, I am growing older. And these are the best years of my life. I'm wiser, I'm content, I'm not fighting for space on the planet because I already own the space I occupy. I am rich with life experience. I stretch and I grow and I willingly engage in life. I have a sense of humor that allows me to move through life with a light heart. I have a delicious dark side which I embrace as being part of who I am.

You have to face the fact that life is full of injuries. Physical, spiritual, and emotional. I think the trick is what you do about them, and how proactively you participate in the healing that matters. I didn't choose to lie on the heating pad for a few days until my back healed itself. I stretched, I massaged and worked through the pain of the spasm. As I am moving through these changes in my life and dealing with the emotional injuries, I'm doing my homework, asking questions of myself, doing research to find the best thing that works for me. I am unique and I am forging the trail of my own life, whatever that brings. It is an adventurous time to be me. The Universe continues to shower me with healing gifts, large and small and my palms are open.

So what is next? I'm not sure but I do have some ideas. I am entertained by myself right now, embracing the dance I am doing with my fears and my desires. It is a challenging time in my life and I am loving watching it unfold. Full of uncertainties and questions and I am completely confident in my ability to sort it all out and move through with grace. While I find myself tentative to run in the direction of a desire, I am intrigued with the opportunity to explore my fears. Wow. What a ride. Injuries heal. Heartaches mend. Life marches on and the scars fade. All in all, life is what you make it, but that is nothing new. I only wish I would have said it first! So the message for today is I love my body more than the injuries that might sideline me. Physical or emotional. They are only temporary and will disappear with time. I will continue to be grateful for what I have, creating the most abundant life I could ever imagine.

XO,
Karen