A Few Words About Resistance...

Wow, can I believe it has been nearly a year since my last post? No! Considering writing is such a cathartic experience for me and I admit I can tell a pretty good story, the page remains blank. While I maintain that I am low drama, my life has been a little more challenging over the last year with plenty to muse about in the wee hours of the morning, yet I resist. I sit at the keyboard, put threads of thoughts down to look at later but resist going back to weave them into a piece of writing worthy of posting on my blog...resisting something that gives me so much pleasure. Hmmm. Just what does Resistance look like? For me, sometimes she just shows up as a little niggling thought, or an action that I ordinarily consider self destructive. Things like procrastination, not exercising or eating things I know I shouldn't. I know, these are little things, but they pile up and I'm left feeling like someone (or something) has taken over my life. I know what it is, but even still I allow it to happen. It is that thing inside of me called Resistance that starts the ball of sabotage rolling and I begin denying myself things that I ordinarly enjoy. This little voice talks me into watching television instead of going for a walk, something I know I would find much more pleasurable, or talks me out of writing something that I know someone might find inspiring. So, how do I get out of this space? I meditate and call in my higher self, the one with all the answers and wisdom, the one that watches over me. I give a shape, color and name to my Resistance. I walk with her, and talk about all of the good and positive things in my life. I thank Resistance for showing up because she spurs me on to better things. I assure her she is indeed a valuable asset. I find as soon as I let go of the tug of war with my amazing Resistance, she moves away and creates space in my life for the miracles that seep like water into the cracks she leaves behind. When I stop, breathe, and go with the flow that is my life, I realize that each part of me is valuable and serves the greater purpose of moving me forward into the best me I can be. Resistance is indeed a worthy opponent, but she is only one of my parts that make up the total me. As soon as I acknowledge the brilliance of my Resistance, claim her and call her my own, life returns to being fabulous and fun. So, the message for today is I love my body more than Resistance. While her beauty is staggering, it is not as staggering as the beauty I create when she joins the rest of the party that is me. Have a beautiful irresistible day! XO, Karen

A few words about Focus...

I started posting a gratitude on my Facebook status daily, and my commitment to myself is to do it for 100 days. I have gotten several comments from friends who are asking why I'm doing it and does it have some sort of meaning. I simply explain that whenever I'm stressed, or need to change my focus in my life, I return to consciously living in thankfulness. I focus on the things I have in my life and not what is missing. I immerse myself in gratitude. From the sun as it bounces off the windows of the buildings downtown, to succulent fruit I eat over the sink with the juices dripping off my elbows, to the challenges I have faced over the last year of my life. It is an unconditional, 100% money back if not satisfied cure for anything that ails me. Choosing 100 days was just a number.

I came home from work last night exhausted and frankly very angry about a decision that was made by another involving a patient. I sat with it on the drive home, came into my beautiful condo, took off my shoes and changed into some comfy clothes. Still feeling a little heated about work, I opened my refrigerator. I do this several times daily, just looking around to see if the food fairy stopped by to drop anything interesting in there that didn't happen to be there the last time I looked. I stooped down to see if there was something I might have missed in the back and spotted a small watermelon. As soon as I cut into it and had my first juicy bite, I sent up a thanks to the Universe for landing it in my hands. My anger was gone. I realized that while I didn't have the greatest day at work, my work day was over and now I was home enjoying the watermelon with the balcony doors open, savoring the rest of my evening.

I make a conscious decision to live in thankfulness, and when I get myself into a knot about something, I can always land back on my feet when I shift my focus back to the life I choose to live. It is like flipping a switch for me. My brain isn't wired to hold gratitude and anger simultaneously.

So the message for today is that I love my body more than losing my focus. I make choices that are good for me, and gratitude is a good choice. So is an ice cold watermelon on a hot summer evening.

I am grateful for you.

XO,
Karen

A few words about New Beginnings...

I had such a great day today. I spent the afternoon with a dear friend and her year old twin girls. They were so well behaved, sat in their little high chairs for the entire time we were at lunch. Everyone in the restaurant was captivated by them and stopped by the table to smile and ask something about them. It was amazing just to look at them, starting to put some things and thoughts together and it got me to thinking. They are just beginning their lives, full of possibilities and new experiences and I thought that could be just about anyone. You don't have to be a one year old to have a life filled with possibilities or new experiences. You just have to be willing to open your mind and your heart to the life that lies before you. Whether you are at the beginning of your life or nearing the end, there is always a new experience just waiting for you.

When the twins started to get a bit wiggly, their mother took one and I took the other in my arms and we continued our visit. Then mine, Kylie, started wiggling even more; she started straightening out, twisting and turning around, all the while trusting me not to drop her. What a wonderful feeling to hold a little life in my hands, knowing she could completely trust me and just knew I wouldn't let her go. And what an amazing feeling to have, that you could wiggle and squirm all you wanted fearlessly, and with complete trust that you're not going to fall. Then, she snuggled up to me and gave me a big kiss on my cheek...It was heaven, and reminded me that no matter how old you are, you always have a new experience waiting just for you. You just have to open your eyes...and your heart to let it in.

So, the message for today is I love my body more than thinking there are no new experiences waiting for me. There are so many I don't even know where to start. Each day is a new beginning, and perhaps it just takes a kiss on the cheek to bring you back to that place of innocence and trust.

I wish you a squirmy, wiggly day, safely held in the arms of the Universe,

XO,
Karen

A few words about living from the inside...

Often I get the best inspiration for things to write about from simple phrases that someone just happens to say in ordinary conversation. This morning was a great example of just what I mean by that. I went to my Pilates class and not only did I have my favorite instructor, who has just returned to the studio after a long absence, I was the only one in the class so we had plenty of time to catch up with each other and work on muscles that don't always get the attention they need in a class of six other students. I caught her up on my life, my journey through the last year and how much I have grown. We flew through the hour with muscles and hearts engaged. As we moved to a piece of equipment I seldom get to work on I was so grateful to have been able to have a private lesson. I got on the equipment and she was instructing me how to do the exercise, being conscious of my body and the muscles I was using. I felt a little clumsy then she said something that resonated with me. She said "The movement all starts from the inside. When you do this, the object is to be doing this from your core, sending out the messages to your limbs to execute properly." I stopped and looked up at her and said that was great advice for life in general.

I have felt out of balance lately and the messages I'm sending are not coming from my core, they are coming from my head. Those are the times I find myself being reactionary, defensive and just not myself. Sometimes I try to make sense out of something that just doesn't make sense. I struggle to make it logical when really it doesn't matter if it is logical or not. When I live my life through my core, my heart and soul, I rarely feel the discord I've been feeling recently. I have to consciously remember to lead with my heart, trust myself and go in the direction that feels intuitively right. I have the ability to do that in my nursing practice and I know which way I need to move with a patient. I trust my intuition completely. I know that just because a person looks good on paper, stable vital signs and other tangible evidence of progressing toward improvement, that doesn't always mean they are doing well. When I follow my intuition in my practice, I am rarely wrong. How do I consistently do that in my life outside of my job to keep me on the right track?

The way I get back in balance is to stop and breathe, roll my neck around a little, stretch and remind myself that I am exactly where I need to be. Then I take stock of my surroundings. Do they reflect my heart or my head? I live in a beautiful space and when guests have visited, they more often than not tell me it is exactly the kind of place they would picture me living. I send up a prayer of gratitude for what I have in my life. When I let myself dwell on loss, I am living with my head and not my heart; not living with my intuition leading the way. When I look back on my life, every decision I have made that contradicted my intuition has not turned out the way I expected. I find when I pay attention to my intuition and not question it, I am able to move forward from a place in my core, and direct my limbs to carry out the movement. It is the perfect way for me to live.

So the message for today is that I love my body more than living in my head. When I live my life from the inside out, following my core and intuition, I rarely go wrong. My head often over thinks but my heart instinctively leads me in the right direction.

Today I desire a day that begins from the inside...

XO,
Karen

A few words about Thunderstorms...

This summer, Denver has experienced amazing thunderstorms with unusual frequency. The day starts out calm and sunny, I pack up and head down to the pool, then by three or so in the afternoon, the clouds start to build and the rain begins to pour down in sheets. I am beginning to wonder if the climate in Denver has changed. I know the climate in my life has changed over the last year and I have been experiencing my own personal thunderstorms. There have been flash floods, tornado warnings, and bells and whistles going off. There have been tantrums and tears, stomping of feet and the looming question "why me?" more than once. The lightening has been quite impressive, followed by cracks of thunder that appear to be crashing within 50 yards of my beautiful tranquil balcony. The tantrums and tears have been quite impressive as well. It is interesting to be able to touch my authentic self and see how I repeat past behavior that I know doesn't serve me. Then, the storm passes, the calm comes, the sunsets are spectacular and all is right again.

As I think about these thunderstorms and the fact that I have no control over them, I'm reminded of the work of Byron Katie in "Loving What Is". She refers to three kinds of business: My business, your business and God's (or whatever your higher power happens to be) business. Her concept is that when you are feeling discord, check in to see in just whose business you find yourself. When I'm fighting the rainstorm (out of my control) by being frustrated at the daily interruption in my summer, I'm clearly out of my business and in the business of changing Mother Nature. A losing proposition at best. On my own weather front, I seem to find myself deeply entrenched in family drama that has begun to unfold this summer and I have been consumed with worry over events past, present, and future. Not my business, and clearly out of my control. Just what's going on here? I've been chewing on this for a while now.

As I was driving home this afternoon, looking up and noticing the blue sky, it was as if a bolt of lightening came out of nowhere and pierced through me. The sky was clear but I felt tingly and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I was angry. I was really angry. Just what the heck was going on, anyway? I had made an agreement with myself that I was the steward of my life and a promise that I would take my duties seriously. I had hired myself to be the keeper of my soul and I was up for review. I needed to take a hard look at the lesson where I learned how to stay in my own power by staying in my own business. I live a worry free life and it is a beautiful place to live. It seems lately though, I have been out of town.

I steer my own course and I think I've been asleep at the wheel. I have spent far too much time in my past worrying about things that are clearly not my business and I thought I had grown through that behavior. I was surprised to find myself wandering this neighborhood again. I had to stop and have a gentle talk with myself and jump back into the business of living my own life. I have the skill set to live an incredible life and like the lightening bolt that shoots across the sky, I am a powerful woman. Sometimes I just have to look myself in the eye to step back into that power.

So the message for today is I love my body more than worrying about something over which I have no control. To me, worry looks like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. Life comes at you on sunny days and in thunderstorms and running around in circles worrying about something that is clearly not your business is not only exhausting, it is self destructive behavior.

I wish a day filled with clear skies for you,

XO,
Karen

A few words about Compassion...

The other day I had the pleasure of a Skype call with my nephew who is currently living in Korea working as an English teacher. I enjoy time spent with him and as time has moved on have come to realize that like me, he is a deep thinker and attempts to look at life from lots of different angles. As I was sharing some things that have been going on in my life, the conversation went to the subject of compassion. We came up with some thoughtful considerations. Just how do we develop compassion? When do we know we have it? I contend it is when you have been through a similar experience, or have known someone who has gone through the same thing that you develop the feelings of empathy. It is something that you get better at over time, but I don't think it is something that you are born with. I consider myself a compassionate person, but that has come with so much experience in my life, as well as in my job as a Registered Nurse.

In my job, I am often called upon to be present when someone is given the news that there isn't anything more medically that can be done and the life that person has known is coming to an end. It is interesting that when everyone leaves the room and I'm still there, how I can instinctively know which way to let it play out. Listening? Quiet holding of a hand? Leaving the room without speaking? I remember a woman who told me in that moment when she was processing the end of her life that her son had died of AIDS several years ago and she hadn't told a soul. But she told me. She looked at me and told me I was the most compassionate person she knew and she couldn't have told anyone else. I was honored she had confided in me. These kinds of experiences happen to me all the time. It is amazing and I am thrilled that I project that to others.

Some people just have good sense, and know when to speak and when it is better to just hold space and listen. After all, we all want to be heard. When I am in that space, I'm not looking for words of encouragement or advice or cheerleading from the sidelines. I just want to be witnessed. I want to be heard without judgment or some piece of advice from someone that isn't standing in my shoes. Life is different from every one's shoes and the road that I walk is my own and I get pretty protective of that path. Those times all I really want to hear is "this must be hard for you." Don't deny me my feelings, or change my words into something else or tell me I'll get through. Just stand by me exactly as I am. I'll find my way out. I always do.

Earlier this week my brother and I delivered my mother's ashes to the cemetery. I have held them close to me for nearly a year, but it was her wish to be with my father at the military cemetery where he is buried. I held her in my arms, refusing to let go until we arrived at the grave site, where on my knees I gently placed her into the ground and with my bare hands scooped the earth back around her. The young worker waited quietly until I was finished then after a nod from me that I was ready, began the process of securing the soil and tamping it down, replacing the sod gently over the grave. She had loads of compassion and I could feel it and see it in her eyes that were blinking back tears. It was important to her also to let it all play out exactly as it was supposed to.

Life teaches us so many things and some of those things you just don't know until you go through them yourself, or you witness someone else and your heart is touched. Genuine compassion is such a gift. A dear friend I had lunch with the other day told me my energy was a little lower than usual. When I explained what was going on in my life, he took my hand and just said he couldn't imagine what it must feel like. It was the best thing he could have said. Anything else would have seemed trite.

So, the message for today is that I love my body more than denying myself the compassion I show others. I am nurturing myself as I move through this space of transition, leaning into people that love me and support me unconditionally. And sometimes that is all that is necessary.

I desire a day filled with compassion for you,

XO,
Karen

A few words about being "big" enough...

The other day I was in the nail salon and as I was sitting waiting for my polish to dry, a little girl with newly painted blue nails approached and gingerly slid her fingers under the dryer facing me. I looked over the top and smiled at her. I was perched in the chair, the least favorite thing for any mani/pedi lover, with my toes under the blower at my feet and my fingers resting on the table with warm air caressing my own newly lacquered nails. She looked back at her mother who was finishing up her pedicure then back at me and after the reassurance her mother was only steps away decided I was a friendly face. She smiled back at me and I asked her if she was also planning on getting her toes done. She thought for a moment, then said "no." When I asked her why, she said, "Because my legs aren't long enough to reach under the dryer." It was funny to me then, but as I was thinking about it later I realized that I have made decisions to not do something because I thought I wasn't "big" enough. My ego was in the way, I had self doubt that would creep into my consciousness and thought failure would be embarrassing. I thought about how much behavior I have grown into over time when in reality I could have made different choices, but just as she needed to learn that she was big enough, so did I. She could have chosen to let her toes air dry, stood with her toes under the dryer, or a myriad of different choices. I could see how I had limited myself in my life by not realizing just how many options are really out there waiting for me.
After having nearly 57 years of life experience and the desire to continually challenge myself to grow bigger, I have come to learn that listening to my intuition, trusting myself to know I am big enough for anything, and then jumping in with both feet is usually the best choice. I wouldn't have known that when I was six, and I probably didn't know it when I was
50. But I know it now. It is a lesson I have learned well. My legs are long enough and while I continue to stretch into my life, I realize how many things are just waiting for me to open my palm to receive.
Just as the little girl had to grow physically, I had to grow emotionally and follow my own path as it appeared before me, gathering life experience that has helped me develop into the confident woman I am today. So the message for today is that I love my body more than limiting my options by believing I'm too small for anything.

I am greeting this new day with a stretch from the tips of my fingers to the tips of my very cute pink toes...I wonder what is in store for me today!

XO,
Karen